I hate human beings and people are dicks.

How impermanent is life anyway? Nothing remains and/or nothing remains the same. Friendships end, love fizzles out, hearts break, parents die. They have a bad habit of dying on us. Why do we humans have to have relationships? Why can’t we just be isolated..alone in our heads so people don’t disappoint us and we don’t disappoint them? Or is it that human relationships drive us forward? Force us to progress? Why do some relationships hold more value than others? And why do they have to change too?

Why does everything have to change? Can we just for a moment, stop this constant change and not know that everything will be gone in a moments notice? Can we have some permanence somewhere? Know that this part of our lives will be with us for as long as we live? That it won’t change and be gone the next moment. Why is life always such an uphill battle with ourselves and with our surroundings?

Why can’t things be valued the same equally? Or why don’t I learn to deal with things and difficulties in a graceful way so that things don’t devolve into an immature drama unfolding like a movie. Oh, I tried learning to deal with difficulties. And I’m very good at solving problems too. But only problems that do not involve other human beings. When it comes to dealing with issues with other humans, I get stuck. Why? I can’t imagine. I’ve tried a variety of different ways of dealing with issues. I’ve tried fighting for things I care about and that doesn’t work. I’ve tried ignoring problems..always ends badly, trust me. I’ve tried being the better person. And now I’m attempting to deal with things by cutting the drama and the people causing it from my life. It doesn’t seem to be working. It weighs on my mind and it causes more fuss than I would like. And sometimes I feel like I will be left with no one because every human being entails so much baggage that they think I will want to help them carry. No I’m not interested. It’s like every human being comes with more than their share of problems that they feel they need to spread out so everyone around them is miserable. No I don’t want to know what your issues are. I have enough of my own crap to deal with. Don’t spread your hate and poison my mind and then feel guilty because you manipulated me by projecting your hate onto me and now that you have changed your mind, you feel guilty for ruining my peace-of-mind. Feel guilty? But only sort of. No you will not be forgiven. No you will not be let off the hook. No you will not be excused.

I am not your mother, or your friend or your lover. I don’t want to know, I never did. I listen because I pity you. I pitied you. And that was my mistake. You poisoned my mind and I will not forgive it.

Most times I’m so good with knowing what a person entails. Sometimes I get fooled. People should have signs over their heads that tell me how much “color” each person will bring into my life. Oh, hey! I am going to be the most insidious out of all the people you have ever met in your life! Welcome me with open arms! I’m far away from my parents me I’m definitely older than the entire lot here. But I do not and should not feel pressured into dealing with the crap these 16 year olds hash out for me!

Shit hit the fan

So that’s literally the best explanation for what my life has been like for the past month. Beyond stressful. And I am only preparing myself because I know it will only get worse. My parents swooped in to save my ass but I can’t do anything more than this. I can’t keep putting them through shit. I wasn’t put on earth to make their lives more miserable than they already are.

I failed last time and my parents had to live with me being labeled a failure even by the closest members of my family. I won’t let it happen again so I am going to fight it. I am going to have to beyond tighten my belt. Survive on no more than one meal a day. And I can’t even think about shopping ever again because I just cannot afford to live.

Financially tightening the belt wont be enough. I have to work on other parts of my personality too. I need to put in more time into studying. I am doing that already but more needs to be done. Studying isn’t everything. There is other work and other things that need mental effort and physical effort. I need to plan and sort. I need to think about things I don’t want to so they don’t come and bite me in the ass later. Things like getting ID made, things like mailing something, posting something, selling something. Things like getting jobs online and making some money doing freelance. I’ve always believed, making money is easy. I need to show it to the world now. That living over here, under such dire conditions, I can still make ends meet without asking for anyones guidance except for my parents.

I’m learning about capitalism in my Introduction to Sociology class. More thoughts on this later…however, money is a bitch. It makes things go around.

My parents say that a great man once said “If you see a rich man, know that he has taken someones right away to become so.”. I look at this. I see dramas and TV shows and now I do think to myself. These people they have kids who spend money, belonging to their parents, recklessly; people flaunting power and destroying peoples lives. Do you think it doesn’t happen in real life? Do you think it doesn’t happen because you are sitting in a nice cozy warm chair, with the thought that your bank account is loaded enough to give you the cushy life you deserve? Or do you just not-think?

Money is the cause of all problems. I only realized it when I didn’t have any. Otherwise I wouldn’t have cared either.