Expect not; lest you be disappointed

My dad says this all the time to all of us kids. Time and time again I fall prey to expectation. And I’m almost always disappointed.

Yesterday I was so mad. I don’t know why. I was fuming. Anger seeped from every pore of my body and I have been living in this state for the past few months but yesterday it culminated to the point where I was about to loose control of my senses. However, I’m happy too at the same time. Contradictory though it may sound, I have never been happier. Life is as it should be. Everything is in place except for the fact that I am in such a state of dissonance that I can’t find peace in any corner of my mind and that is what I need. That is all I need.

So I turned to the one being I knew would always be there. Behind the scenes. Always watching. Just observing, always being taken for granted. Always at the back of the mind but never at the forefront. Never in the spotlight. Shaking His head at my sorry ass. Probably the victim of the same expectations He had of me that I had of everyone else. God.

Yesterday I lay down my mat and submitted to the one being who could quiten my mind and give me strength like no other. And I wasn’t disappointed. It’s like my minds been wiped clean. I woke up truly happy. All the stress, hate, anger within me, gone. I realized people will always be people. It was me I should be concerned with. Only me. What do I care what anyone else thinks and what they do and say. This is the beginning of my new life. I only have to make myself a better person.

So here’s to promises. Promises I promise to keep. Promises I won’t break. I promise to stop lying about anything even minor unless it is done not for my personal gain but to protect someone else from loss. I promise to keep my nose out of everyone’s brain and business. I promise to keep my readings of people thoughts and motivations and intentions, which I am fantabulously good at, to myself and never let them color my interactions with them. I will live myself for myself alone and for my family. I promise to remain close to God. I promise not to expect others to be bigger or better people and if I do I promise not to be disappointed when they aren’t. I promise not to advice or help another person unless I feel like it. I promise I won’t feel obliged into helping someone because I consider them my friend. I promise to hold my head high and put myself on the pedestal ahead of everyone else. I promise to say “no” when someone or something presents an obstacle in my way. I promise I’ll still try to be a good person.

I feel purified. Like I’ve been through some form of catharsis.

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