Friendship and holes

I have turned off the switch that makes me have any meaningful conversations with people. The switch that makes me want to have a real heart-to-heart you know? And most people don’t want it anyway. Most people would rather just keep a friendship superficial than trust someone else with their mind. And in doing this, we protect ourselves so hard, we don’t see each other. Just read each other by our actions or our habits or by our superficial selves.

I’ve been living in a daze all this time. A dream like state where my life is passing me by like a blur. And there is nothing that I can do. Except dream. Ever felt that way?

I guess I’m writing this here because there’s no one else to talk to.

Discussions. They dredge up old memories. Old memories make me nostalgic, they do. Which make me happy/sad for the life that I am living. Because even though it makes me feel like I’ve become so much wiser, I feel like I’ve gone overboard in trying to protect myself to the point where I don’t feel anything anymore. Or maybe I do but I just don’t have anyone to tell these things to.

People think I have so many friends. They have no idea. One friend in every era. The last one was what seems to be forever ago. A purely platonic friendship that had the effect of a farmer tending to his plants, on my mind. There was growth because there was ample discussion. Ample time for thought. Now I’d just delve into depression if I did decide to open the door to thought and walk through it because there is no one to share this flood of information with. Revelation upon revelation. Epiphany upon epiphany and no one to help filter the crap out and keep the good stuff in.

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