I don’t know what it is. When I am feeling overwhelmed, I seem to lose all form of control over my emotions and I do what I have always done best as a child: I put on my resting bitch-face and stop all forms of communication (body language and otherwise) and become this stoic bitch of a rock with no expressions that no one saw coming.
When I am upset, it is very obvious. When I am flustered, when I am nervous, when I am awkward, when I am irritated, everything seems to show on my face. I feel like I have no control over my face or over my emotions and over the years I have tried to, time and time again, deal with these flustering emotions but in the moment before I can escape into the peaceful sacred place in my mind or escape from the situation itself, the emotions I am feeling can be seen coming and going like the full spectrum of colors undulating on my face. My struggle to keep myself in check seems to go to waste. And boy-oh-boy is it a struggle. I think of excuses to tell people why I look as upset as I do because telling them the truth is embarrassing. Most of the time things that affect me are, in all honesty, childish. I think it has more to do with who I am when I am not upset that tells people that something is off. Which is also why they are probably so willing to accept my lame excuses for my current behavior. Or maybe they know and they just let me off the hook and here I am thinking that I am so smart that I actually fooled people into believing the lame story that I gave them.
But the fact of the matter remains that I have trouble controlling my emotions. I wish I could be like everyone else – capable of either hiding their emotions so well you can’t tell what they are feeling or like one of those people who have the guts to wear their emotions like armor and show it to the world. Or I wish I never felt anything as strongly as I do about things. I wish I didn’t care about anything at all. That would make my life so much easier. I tell people I don’t care, but I need to face it – I do care. All I do is care. Uselessly. Fruitlessly. Ah, the futility!
Sometimes it feels like things come in such sharp focus when something offends me or catches my attention. It’s like my entire body reacts to a single stimulus that no one else probably notices. What people do notice is my entire body’s reaction to whatever the stimulus is. I, honestly, don’t know what to do with myself. Maybe I should employ the depths of my thoughts to things that will actually bear fruit. Like homework. Or learning in general. Hmm.