Wolf in White Van

I was right. Wolf in White Van was the most boring book I’ve read in a while and it slowed my readin progress to a crawl when I finally started reading it {for the 3rd time}. It was written in reverse and I lost the thread a 3rd of the way into it, all in pursuit of the story. However, the flaw isn’t just in the book itself. I think this book was written more for the enjoyment of the journey rather than the conclusion, and so the fault of disenchantment falls (somewhat) in my lot.

I think I should stop reading all books like they’re suspense thrillers {expecting a mind-boggling end and preparing to be blown away}. It’s really anticlimactic and takes the fun out of the reading since instead of slowing the pace of my reading and absorbing the atmosphere, I speed through it to get to the end.

However, reading the blurb before beginning to read the book, left me thinking this was going to be another sci-fi thriller of sorts. I really thought it was going to be a bit like Ready Player One or something along those lines. It turned out to be a lot less remarkable than that. Ah well, onwards and upwards

Social niceties

The brain is mutable. It changes all the time, a disconcerting amount, in fact. It changes based on the lighting around you, the weather, what you eat, whom you talk to, the way you sit, even what you wear. The consistency of the brain is like custard, and its makeup is more like a forest than a computer, always alive, rustling, changing.

– Your Brain at Work

Never having been reined in by social necessities, the brain grew unrestrained and uncontrolled in every direction it saw. It bloomed and blossomed into this unbridled beast that absorbed everything it saw and used it to grow rampant. And yet it was aware of its own growth; self-aware and capable of watching itself as it broke all social boundaries and grew unhindered. It absorbed everything. Every thing considered an obstacle became a lesson; everything else was a blessing. The mind grew into something so intelligent, it could cut you with its razor sharpness. And yet there was this innocence, that comes from having lived inside of itself for so long. Social niceceties are beyond it. People liked it for the innocence; left it for fear of its intelligence.

People attribute its intelligence to everything they could think of, so as to make themselves feel better for not being it or having it. For not having its abilities. They attribute it to age, or to studying, or not really having a social life. And all this is ok as long as they don’t see its learning curve. It is vertical. It is unstoppable.

Turmoil

I wrote this years ago, when I was having trouble at my workplace and social politics. Over the years, I have come across a lot of people like this, and this post and this significant change in my attitude has always seen me through. It has helped me through life and not just at work.


When the mind is in conflict with the environment, two things can happen; you either run or you adjust your attitude. I tried to run. But then I thought that no one was going to make me do anything I didn’t want to do. I wasn’t going to run. No one could make me. I think this was the best change of attitude that I’ve had in a while. It really made me think that I haven’t really stood up for myself and if I ran now, it wouldn’t be BECAUSE of so and so. It would be because I gave up on myself. So I decided to stay and take measures that would allow me to adjust my attitude instead.

So when I realize that people slack off and leave their work to be done by others, I said ok. I’ll do their work. This is an organization and more than that; a field where no one can proclaim your work as their own. And since the brands are now not divided amongst the Art Directors, no one person can claim that they handled an entire big brand etc on their own. So if I did do some work on “brand”, it would be mine. It would go in my portfolio as my own. With my name on it. Even though I wouldn’t be able to claim that the entire brand was handled by me, my work would speak for itself no matter where I went.

Having thought of things in this way, I was appeased and realized that I would never say “No” to any work that was assigned to me, no matter how much pressure I was under. And things seem to be working out. Even though everything is still fresh and the wounds seem to have been buried. Let’s hope things change with my attitude.

I guess all that matters is a change in attitude. Things always seem to fix themselves. After all it is always just your perception and how you see things. What you allow to bother you and what you seem to consider inconsequential. I’ve stopped showing or thinking of anything that in the least bit matters to me or bothers me.

Obviously I realized that my work-ethic is very different from everyone else’s. So many things don’t matter to me that matter to others. Whereas, so many other things matter to me that don’t matter to others. For example things like coming to work and making it your first priority are things that matter to me. Responsibility and investment into the content of what is going out there in your name also matters to me. The need to learn constantly and to keep moving forward, thats also something that I’m starting to hold very dear to me. It’s the little things that matter. I think, I need to relax a bit and stop putting things on such a pedestal.


It worked out. I stayed at that job for 3 years, being promoted to a Senior Art Director. I handled many big brands and became one of the most trusted Art Directors in the agency. Brands loved my work and appreciated it publically. I left the agency with my head held high and my pride more than intact.

One other thing I realized then was, life is not in statis. It is constantly moving. People were going to come and people were going to go. It was up to me to decide who I wanted to keep, and who I wanted gone. This thought has helped me tolerate a lot of people’s bullshit. It has also allowed me to keep my sanity; knowing and understanding that I will rid my life of the parasites who are stupid enough to think I am stupid and who are currently and forever trying to leech off of me.

Mundane humdrum

I know it’s been ages since I wrote anything on here. Sometimes, however, real life takes priority over the digital one or the one that you live inside of your head. A lot has been going on in my life that has required some specialized attention.

Sometimes as a teenager, I would lie in bed and wonder where my life was going to go, who I was going to become, and who, if anyone, I was going to meet in my life who was going to stay in it forever. And although, I did figure out the answer to my first two questions in the next couple of years, it took me another decade to finally find the answer to the last. I made mistakes, I gave up, I met people I thought were going to stick around forever and who didn’t. I always just wondered if I would ever live a normal life; a life where someday I could say “I was just like the rest”; that I had finally conformed. But God has always had different plans for me. Life has been a struggle; like wrestling with a hippopotamus. But once life becomes easy, I’ve always gotten bored. There was no way God was going to let me do anything in life without breaking at least a million rules.

God is weird. He makes strange and unsettling decisions for us and expects us to adjust. He throws such wrenches into our plans, that I’m surprised we get anything done. But I guess it’s a good way of getting our heads out of our asses. It’s also a great way of ensuring that we don’t get bored. Boredom kills and it can only be revived by constantly having to battle against life.

The strangeness of being the person I became, however, should have warned me, a long time back, that my life was not ever going to go according to any plan I contrived. I am not traditionally inclined; my parents didn’t raise me to be. I am most unladylike. I am loud and obnoxious and not entirely stupid. None of these things allows me to be classified as a woman who would “fit in” to what our society expects. I was always going to remain at the fringes when it came to our society. But then, what is deemed controversial in one society, is applauded in another. And even though no rishte wali Aunty could possibly help me, my mom never gave up hope. However, no matchmaker was a match for my unconventional existence. Believe me, my mother tried very hard. My mom believes in fate though and to an extent, so do I. So we’ll call it that. Rest assured that I am happy now that I’ve met my “fate.” So is my mom. I feel like a burden has been taken off of them. They were starting to question their child-rearing decisions. I don’t think they did too bad though, as parents. They did ready us kids for the world. It’s just that that world wasn’t Pakistan.

All in all, lifes good and as mundane as I can possibly tolerate without loosing my mind to boredom. I got a new job that I love, that motivates and inspires me to learn; that makes my mind churn. That makes me doubt my abilities and yet, when I overcome those doubts and the obstacles it throws in my life, it rewards me with a euphoric exuberance that takes weeks to dissipate. What more could I possibly want?

Well, having a cat would be nice.